thursday

It's Thursday. My favorite day. 

I made it.

Maybe just barely, but I made it. 

It's been a bit of a bleak week, but...

In the midst of hate, I found there was, within me, an invincible love.

In the midst of tears, I found there was, within me, an invincible smile.

In the midst of chaos, I found there was, within me, an invincible calm.

I realized, through it all, that…

In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.

And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.

Albert Camus

roses in december

J.M. Barrie said, "God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December."

Memory. Memories. Today I am ever so thankful for my memory, and memories in general. I read that memory is the capacity for retaining and reviving facts, events, impressions, etc. I love that! Through memory we can not only retain, we can revive our feelings, impressions, joys, laughs, loves.... 

Of course, this is not always a fun thing. Sometimes it's super painful and all we want is to be able to forget. But, you know what? I will totally accept all that kind of pain and capacity to revive the bad when it means I can bring back to life all the good. 

I never want to not remember. There is far too much love and beauty and heart-bursting happiness that I never want to lose.

Kevin Arnold on the Wonder Years once said, "Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things, you are, the things you never want to lose. It's so true.

Today, I ran across a few photos from a family vacation a couple of years ago. It was only 10 photos, 10 out of hundreds, probably even thousands, I took that week. In this tiny representation, people were missing, as were so many of the things we did that week. But, still, those 10 photos brought it all back. I revived, and relived, the whole, magical week. The feelings, the laughter, the smiles, the sounds, the smells...all of it.

And, today, I'm thankful for that. The magic of memories.

So, here they are, little pieces of the things I love, the things I am, the things I never want to lose....

Memories

Light the corners of my mind.

Misty water-colored memories of the way we were.

Scattered pictures of the smiles we left behind,

Smiles we gave to one another, for the way we were.

So, it's the laughter we will remember.

Whenever we remember

The way we were.

The way we were.

Memories.

a quick trip to the hundred acre wood

I just recently re-read this lovely little classic and thought I'd share a few little gems I particularly enjoyed...

Some have brains, and some haven't, he says, and there it is.

I do remember, and then when I try to remember, I forget.

Nobody can be uncheered with a balloon.

It is hard to be brave...when you're only a Very Small Animal.

A little consideration, a little thought for others, makes all the difference.

They don't think - that's what's the matter with some of these others. They've no imagination.

...and really, it wasn't much good having anything exciting like floods, if you couldn't share them with somebody.

It's so much more friendly with two.

Such a sweet, cozy little read...just what I needed this week. So simple. So much to think about.

And, finally, one of my favorites...

"When you wake up in the morning, Pooh...what's the first thing you say to yourself?" "'What's for breakfast?'...What do you say, Piglet?" "I say, 'I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?'" Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing." he said.

I love Pooh Bear.

a moment in the shadows

Because I need a little magic in my life today.

I had such great hopes for today. I was excited and quite positive about the start of a new month. February was going to be a new beginning.

But then life said, "Not so fast, Pollyanna!"

I feel like life says this to me a lot. You'd think I'd learn. But, I refuse.

Walt Disney once said,

Life is composed of lights and shadows, and we would be untruthful, insincere, and saccharine if we tried to pretend there were no shadows. Most things are good, and they are the strongest things; but there are evil things too, and you are not doing a child a favor by trying to shield him from reality. The important thing is to teach a child that good can always triumph over evil.

I love Walt Disney. And I love that quote.

I generally try to ignore the shadows of life. Or at least I try to not let anyone see that sometimes they get to me. I never want to be negative or to let anyone know that my life can be anything but sunshine and rainbows and magic and pixie dust. I am genuinely quite happy and I truly believe that if you keep your face to the sun, the shadows fall behind. I really believe that light will always chase the dark away.

But, the thing is, there are days when the sun isn't shining - no matter how much you look for it. There are days when there is nothing but shadows.

Despite my high hopes for it, today turned out to be one of those days. And all I want to do is run away. I don't want to be a grown up anymore. (Not that I ever did...but some days are better than others.) Today, I am in the shadows. And it's very real.

But, the thing is...even when I am here, in the shadows, I know it won't last. I know the light will come. Sooner or later, it always does and it always will.

So, even though I can't - and shouldn't - pretend that there are no shadows, I can say, with confidence, that the light will come. The shadows will fall away.

Because the good things are truly the strongest things.

Yes, "...even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise." It's true. I know it.

That being said, I'm giving up on today.

If anyone needs me, I'll be curled up in bed, waiting for this particular shadow to pass.

At least until tomorrow morning.

in the middle of starting over...

A while back, I left everything I knew and dearly, dearly loved to start over in a new place. Because it felt right. No, because I knew it was right. Now, I find myself - way too long later - still trying to figure out what I'm doing. I'm in the middle of starting over. And that's okay, right? That I am starting over at this point in my life? If I am to believe my Pinterest boards and all the inspirational quotes on my walls, it definitely is. Seriously, I am the Queen of Quotes. I love them. A couple that are on point...

What we have to remember is that we can still do anything. We can change our minds. We can start over. The notion that it's too late to do anything is comical. It's hilarious. We can't, we must not lose the sense of possibilities....

and

For what it’s worth...it’s never too late...to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit. Start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people who have a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.

It's a great, and comforting, idea. It sounds good. But, do I really believe it? For me? I'm really good at believing it applies to others. But, when it comes to me - it's easy to think it's too late. That my chance has passed. That I've screwed up too much. That it's too late to start over. But, there is a part of me - the best part of me - the part of me that sees in me who I really am, and really could (and should) be - who does believe it. Who knows with all her heart the truth of Elder Holland's words:

...however late you think you are, however many chances you think you have missed, however many mistakes you feel you have made or talents you think you don’t have, or distance from home and family and God you feel you have traveled, I testify that you have not traveled beyond the reach of divine love. It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ’s Atonement shines.

That's the part of me who got me to this terribly uncomfortable and hard, yet everlastingly beautiful, point in my life. It's why I am int his place, trying with all my might to figure out what the heck I'm doing here. In Utah. Willing myself to remember the very clear, very real answers I received to fervent prayers asking my Heavenly Father to direct me where to go so I could grow into the woman He sees in me. I am working on listening to that part of me and to be at peace with the fact that, at this point in life, I'm right back smack dab "in the middle of starting over."

And that really is okay. And I will be okay. More than okay. And I can make this place my home.

Tired of all the troubles, They been wasting my time. I don't wanna fight, Wanna leave it behind. Taking on faith, Now I'm ready to fly. I'm in the middle of starting over... Alone, in a room. Tearing down the walls. Painting over scars and bruises. Now this is home. Fill it up with love, And make the best of something new. As hard as it seems, I hold my breath and just believe.... The colors in the stars seem a little brighter. Tomorrow isn't far away! Through the hardest part I'm working towards a happy ending.... I'm in the middle of starting over.