lucky...

I've never been a fan of goodbyes.

I cry a lot. And I am ultra-sentimental. (Example: I bawled my eyes out while walking slowly and lovingly through each room to say goodbye to a tiny furnished apartment my family had lived in for all of a week or so while my dad was in training in San Diego when I was a little girl. I haven't changed much.)

But, life is about living and changing and always, always moving forward. And, sometimes (often), this means a lot of goodbyes. I've certainly had my fair share. Goodbyes to places, to habits, to childhood, to loves, to hurts, to cars, to weaknesses, to homes, to toys, to clothes, to pieces of myself, to friends, to family....

It's never easy (at least not for me), and rarely fun.

But, today, as I say another goodbye, I am thankful. So very thankful.

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

A.A. Milne

Yes, I am one very lucky girl. And Life. Is Good.

farewell, discovery....

Discovery launched on its final mission today.



I only have a minute, so for now I'll just say, for the final time....

Good luck and God speed, Discovery!

life. is. good.

Have you ever had one of those days where you just wake up really happy?



Today is one of those days for me.

There are so many things in my life that are not at all as I'd hoped they would be. My heart aches as I never knew was possible. I often shed tears of pain and sorrow and worry.

At the same time, I am blessed far beyond my capacity to receive. I have thousands of reasons to smile. I laugh every day. I am loved.

And I am happy. And hopeful. And, oh, so grateful.

"I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing." - Agatha Christie

And I feel myself needing to say thank you. Thank you for my life.



But even more, thank you for His.

new tires

So, I got new tires today. (Among other things.)



Sometimes, I don't especially like being a grown up.

Anyway, yesterday after work I was walking out to my car and noticed a guy just walking around my car, looking inside.... I thought, "Is that Security? I know my car is a mess inside, but that isn't ticketable. Is it?"

As I got closer, the guy asked me if it was my car. I said yes. I asked if something was wrong...he looked very troubled. He then told me he was looking for somewhere to leave a note. He was worried about my driving home. He said, "Your tires are going to explode."

What?



I looked at my tires. Sure enough, two were quite scary. The front driver's side tire was split open, and pretty much silver (from the metal showing through). Tires aren't supposed to be silver, right? How had I not noticed this?

The nice guy offered to put the spare on. Told me to be careful and drive super slow and not on the highway. I agreed. I got in my car and said a quick prayer asking Heavenly Father to help me get home and promised to go get new tires first thing in the morning.

Honestly, I was shocked by how bad the tires were. I hadn't even noticed. Sure, getting new tires was on my list of things to do. Yeah, my brother had told me a few months ago I needed to replace them. Yes, my Bishop had mentioned sometime last Summer that I might want to replace the tires that seemed to need to be aired up every time he saw my car. So....I vaguely knew they were not good, but I had no idea that they were that bad.

I am really bad at being a grown up.

And then I thought about other areas of my life. Areas where I let things slide a little....where I know I'm slipping a little, but not too terribly much. Where I ignore the little warnings that maybe I should (or shouldn't) be doing something, because it's not that big of a deal. Where I put off doing what I know I should do. I wondered how many other areas I have let slip a little until I don't notice that I am losing all my protection. Where I have just gotten used to things. Where I have become complacent.



And I didn't like that thought.

And then I thought of my 11 year old self. I remember that sweet girl being invited over to Kara's house to hang out with Kara, Chele, Carter, Stacia and Megan. It was such a cool group. And I was a part of it. We had a great day. Then, Kara's parents said we were going to the movies. I was excited - it seemed like such a grown up thing to do - going to the movies and sitting with just my friends. I was a little apprehensive - my parents generally had to see movies before we were allowed to see them - but Kara and her family were really good and I was sure her mom and dad wouldn't take us to see anything I shouldn't see. So we went to the movies. And went in to see.....



"Uncle Buck." I know...harmless, right? I have friends who consider this a great family film. There are certainly PLENTY worse. But, it wasn't long before I felt very uncomfortable and felt like I shouldn't be watching the movie. It's not a terrible movie. But it made me uncomfortable, and I didn't want to watch it. I felt icky. So I whispered to Kara (she really was a nice, sweet girl) that I would be outside and I went and waited in the lobby. It was easy and I felt so much better. After a few minutes, when I didn't come back, Kara's dad came and sat with me (her mom stayed in the theater). Nice guy, that Mr. Streker. We talked a little and watched people come and go and waited for my friends. They were fine with it (I was pretty well known for my churchiness back in the 6th grade, so they were used to my standards, I guess), and afterwards we all went and got pizza before they dropped me off at home (I wasn't allowed to spend the night with the rest of them, as it was a Saturday night).

I think of that and remember how my little spirit was offended by that movie and immediately left - no hesitation and no looking back. I think of that and wonder if I would feel the same were I to try and watch that movie now. Would I be willing to turn it off or get up and leave? Would I even notice? After all, I am sure that movie is pretty tame and even has a good moral to the story. I am sure of it. But, I like that my sweet little 11 year old self felt something offensive, recognized it, and did something about it. Am I like that now? I hope so. But maybe not. Have I, instead, become desensitized? Have I let things go? Have I ignored that feeling that maybe I shouldn't watch something, until I have lost that protection and no longer notice what used to make me feel icky? Have I allowed my spiritual tires to lose their tread, without even noticing?

Now, a lot of people would scoff and say that I am the last person they would consider desensitized. I am pretty careful what I watch. And, by the world's standards...I am pretty prudish.

But I don't want to judge myself by the standards of the world. I want to live by my standards, or, really, by the Lord's standards. And I know I have let things slide. I know where I need to improve.

The great thing is, I can. I know I can.

I got new tires today. It was easy. I feel safer in my car.

And I can do that for my little spirit, too.

I know it.



And I will.

So, thanks to the random guy in the parking lot at work. Sometimes I need someone to point out what I haven't noticed. Thanks for being that someone.